Monday, June 23, 2014

Satan's Spawn: Destroying Humankind

I wrote this for my English class and had so much fine. I'm really happy with how it turned out, so I thought I'd share it here. :) Enjoy!

     You’re sleeping peacefully having a dream about, say, a tropical paradise. The beach is sandy and warm, the water is crystal clear and the bluest blue, and the view is heavenly. Just as you’re about to take your fruity drink to relax in your oversized hammock, some psycho jumps on your foot and starts stabbing it. You flail and flap wildly trying to remove said psycho but to no avail. Eventually you startle awake in a terrified panic, only to realize your blasted kitten is “playing” with (more like murdering) your foot. All your peace and rest is gone. The beach has left the building.

     Kittens are evil. There’s no way around it and there’s no denying it. These little devils come in cute packages so that some poor saps will bring them home, but the truth is that their sole purpose in life is to wreak havoc in human’s lives. They are literally Satan’s minions. Evidence? Let’s just start with their weapons: razor sharp machetes claws. They are toting around at least four of these bad boys on each paw. And those teeth! Now that’s a whole mouth of razor blades there. At any given moment, they are capable of shanking you in your feet, heels, calves, or shins without any notice. They’ll stalk you from behind the sofa and pounce just as you sit down with your dinner, causing you to throw food everywhere. What kind of demon spawn travels around looking adorable but packing some serious artillery? Kittens, that’s who.

     Now for the aforementioned night waking -- who doesn’t just love waking and being attacked by knives? Kittens have no regard for your sleep; they only care about themselves. If they want to play and it’s 3:30 a.m., they’ll make you play. They want food, they’ll make you get it. Their water is tepid, you must fix it. They suddenly don’t like your brand of cat food, you must go now to the 24 hour Walmart and purchase a new brand. Whatever their need, you must supply it. It’s a fact that Satan uses sleep interruption to further his evil plans, and kittens do his bidding.

     Speaking of sleep, kittens never stop moving. Ever. They will run and play like the Energizer Bunny on meth, Red Bull, and 18 cups of coffee all. day. long. Allegedly they sleep (no one can prove that), but mostly they just keep going and going and going and going. Only people on drugs and Lucifer himself can keep going like that. Clearly they have some seriously demonic powers.

     And finally, there’s the indelicate part of the matter…their bathroom habits. It’s bad enough that you must have a litter box for full grown cats, but kittens don’t even use it! No, they’ll urinate on your laundry, clean bed, carpet, lap…anywhere. You come home from a long day of work to find your house wreaking of cat pee and there’s that adorable little heathen staring at you like they are so sweet and innocent. Don’t believe it. That little monster has used your house as a bathroom all day and they aren’t sorry. No, they tell all their little devil kitten buddies about what a chump you are. “You all should see my new servant! I give a little meow and this idiot comes to my beck and call. I pee on his bed and he cleans it up! Hahahaha! This is the life!” The question is, who actually owns whom? And if your kitten is your master, and Satan is the kitten’s master, whom do you serve?

     So what about adult cats? Well, at some point kittens grow into cats and they become too strong willed for even the Prince of Darkness. At that point, the cats just own the humans they live with but they are no longer instruments of destruction. Beelzebub himself can’t tame a full grown cat.

     There is only one conclusion to draw: kittens are from Hell itself. Satan spawned them in some animal factory to drive humans crazy. He made them adorably fluffy and cute so that we would take them in, but the reality is that they’re demons. Real, living, breathing demons that we seek out, pay for, and bring home. It’s a smart move for The Devil, for one he can keep tabs on us, but never forget the master thing. For at least a year of that kitten’s life, he owns you. Also it’s an excellent way to bring us down and drive us nuts. Insanity is a tool he frequents and kittens are well known for insanity. If you own a kitten, you should probably be more wary…show that kitten who’s the real boss. Just don’t blame me if the fluffy little demon kills you in your sleep.

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